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Mark Steel: I’m so proud of hard Brexiteers’ response to the Tory rebellion
December 18, 2017
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One of the reasons we have to leave the EU is that we have a different culture from the one in Europe. For example, we pride ourselves on good sportsmanship, and if we lose, we shake hands and bear no grudge.

This is why, when a few Tory MPs voted against the Government this week, meaning a future Brexit deal has to be put to Parliament, the Brexit leaders accepted it with good grace — their only comment being to put photos of said MPs on the front page of newspapers, calling them “Traitors”, and “self-consumed malcontents”, shedding “tears of wanton treachery.”

Then there are articles such as, “These filthy Judases might as well spray paint a picture of Meghan Markle joining Daesh onto the cenotaph during the minute’s silence on Remembrance Day while projecting a film of themselves digging up Winston Churchill and replacing his grave with a stall selling CDs of a medley of songs denouncing Christmas sung by Robert Mugabe, in German.

“They have literally urinated on Bobby Charlton’s world cup winner’s medal. They have kidnapped Dame Vera Lynn, that’s what they’ve done, and told her they’ll cut off her pension unless she agrees to be transgender and they’ve boiled the Queen’s corgis and made them into a smoothie and served them as a delicacy to Angela Merkel. They’ve renamed Waterloo station Napoleon Station and turned the Albert Hall into the Luftwaffe centre for giving away Henry Cooper’s trophies to Romanians.

We hope they’re pleased with themselves.” Because, as ever, the important matter is finding common ground. So they make polite suggestions such as, “As they don’t appreciate the just and democratic methods we are trying to protect, by leaving an economic union, while retaining an impeccable friendship with partners and neighbours, they should be dangled from trees so crows can peck them one organ at a time, and then covered from head to toe in Hungarians’ ear wax as they’re so keen on stuff that’s foreign.”

The rage of the Brexit team was impressive, seeing as the vote was only about having another vote on the terms of Brexit; it wasn’t overturning anything. But they’re more furious than football fans who ring phone-in shows when their team’s lost. The Daily Mail probably did call LBC, and when the presenter said, “What point would you like to make?” replied: “I’m SICK OF THEM BRIAN, I’ve HAD ENOUGH, they’ve GOT TO GO, everyone should be SACKED, I don’t care who, just EVERYONE, CORBYN and the SCOTTISH and KEN CLARKE and BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH and LEONARDO DA VINCI, just SACK THEM.”

But the angry Brexit people make a good case, which is that when the British people voted to leave the EU, they were clearly voting to tell everyone outside Britain to go and stuff themselves because we’re sick of spending the last thousand years being told what to do, saying we have to breathe in and out in centimetres and our cheese has to be full of maggots, and anything short of setting fire to each of the 27 countries with GALLONS of petrol, not litres, is a shameful compromise that represents a betrayal of the will of the people.

It makes you realise it’s just as well the Leave campaign won, because if they react like this when they won, if they’d lost they might have become very cross. As it is, it’s almost certain the levels of rage we’re witnessing will lead to social workers being called, as Leavers are threatening to cause harm to themselves.

Eventually, skilled counsellors will soothe them with medication, and say calmly, “I don’t think it’s Jean Claude Juncker you’re really angry about, is it?”

The Independent

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