Stop saying sorry all the time

How often do you say ‘sorry’? Do you hear yourself saying ‘sorry’ over the littlest things? Or even when you didn’t do anything wrong?

Some things just don’t deserve a sorry. For example, when I was job hunting, I had developed this habit of saying ‘sorry to disturb you’ when I successfully got through to the person I wanted to speak with. The first sentence that I could hear coming out of my mouth was, and I couldn’t stop it, was ‘Hi , sorry to disturb you but…” It didn’t help and often I’d hear the response, ‘it’s okay’ and sometimes, ‘Can we talk later?’, ‘I’m a little busy’ or ‘Can I call you back?’ Of course they never did.

Saying sorry too often isn’t a bad thing per se. I’m sure if you’re saying it so frequently, you probably do feel like you owe it even if it is for a minor infraction. But some experts believe that saying ‘sorry’ too often takes away from the word’s actual meaning. They believe that when someone says sorry about something they’ve done, they should mean it but repeating it so often becomes almost automatic and not really ‘felt’ as it were. It’s like accidentally bumping into someone on the street and saying sorry.

When you bump into someone, you don’t get hurt and neither does the other person but you say sorry anyway. Did you, therefore, feel awful about bumping into someone like that? I’m sure you didn’t and such accidental bumps happen all the time. The word sorry is just a polite way of excusing yourself from the glares you might get from the person you bumped into. But the chances are you probably got that look of consternation anyway.

When I look back at the calls I used to make, I often think that instead of always beginning my sentence with, “I’m sorry to disturb you” perhaps I should have said something like, ‘Hi, my name’s Birjees, I’m an HSE specialist and wondered if I you might give me a time when I can call you back?” It doesn’t sound like I’m grovelling and, in retrospect, I now think that perhaps I did sound like I was, something people relish hearing even if there is no need.

But sometimes apologies are necessary especially when someone gets hurt very badly because of something you inadvertently did or didn’t do or because you really spoilt things up big time. It doesn’t matter if it’s at home, at work or with a friend. And the apology has to be heartfelt.

I don’t think the word sorry should be used in such situations because it’s bandied about too often as a filler at the beginning of sentences. And because of this, frequently the recipient of the apology, i.e. the word ‘sorry’, tends not to believe that you’re really sorry, even when you say, ‘I’m so very sorry’ or ‘I’m really sorry’. Perhaps in these instances verbalising how you made the other person feel, or how you know it affected them, would come across better because it’s empathetic, shows you understand how your actions affected them and, above all, it’s not an automatic word that slips out of your mouth just like when you accidentally bump into someone in the streets.

Now, experts believe that instead of uttering the ‘dreaded’, much used word, you should look for alternatives. So in less serious situations, they suggest replacing the word, ‘sorry’ with something more meaningful, even though in the traditional sense of the word, sorry is very meaningful.

They suggest certain phrases like ‘I understand I made a mistake’, or ‘I fully take on board what you’re saying’ or ‘You’re absolutely right there’ or ‘That is something I will definitely work on’.

In my view, the worst way of apologising is by saying, ‘I apologise’ because that sounds almost like a non-apology that was forced because someone pointed out to you that you didn’t apologise for what you did, didn’t do or say.

And the worst situation under which to apologise is when no apology is warranted because you did absolutely nothing wrong. A good example is when you’re busy and someone might be quietly standing behind you or in front of you and you suddenly notice them and say, ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there’. Presumably you’re apologising for not acknowledging their presence and greeting them! Eye roll!