Why men can ‘have it all’ — but women can’t

Charlotte Cripps, The Independent

If you’re questioning why Helen Skelton has quit her BBC Radio 5 Live show to spend more of her time with her children Ernie, eight, Louis, five, and 16-month-old daughter Elsie, I can tell you. It’s this simple: being a working mum is the toughest job going. With her voice wobbling with emotion, Skelton explained on air: “I am not alright about it but needs must. The juggle is real.”

Skelton only took over from Laura Whitmore a year ago in the Sunday morning slot, but it’s clearly a case of the dreaded mum guilt and juggling becoming too much. And I know exactly how torn she feels — because work or don’t work, we women literally cannot have it all. Most of us mums want to be as present for our children as possible — if we can be. That’s why the TV and radio presenter’s decision to stop working “for now” isn’t cut and dried.

She wants to be there for her eight-year-old who needs her. And I don’t blame her: I have young kids, and I’m always told this wonderful stage of childcaring goes by like a flash. The next thing you know, they are teenagers wandering around Westfield with a mobile phone. Skelton, 40, co-parents her children with her ex-husband, the England and Leeds Rhinos rugby league star Richie Myler, 33, after they split last year. She added that she wanted to be around to see her children at their weekend sports fixtures, telling listeners that “there is an eight-year-old with a sideline who needs me”. Being a working mum with young kids is an impossible situation. When my two children Lola and Liberty — now five and seven — were too young for school, I could only work part-time because I couldn’t afford the spiralling childcare costs. It’s £15 an hour in most cases.

Like many of my mum friends, I still always seem to end up in an absurd situation of giving all my wages to another child caregiver to look after my kids — when all I want to do is look after them myself. My heart sinks when I’m working and I get those regular updates on WhatsApp from the nanny with photos of my kids in the sandpit or waterpark looking joyous. Why am I not there? Why am I giving a childminder my salary?

I feel so utterly conflicted. On the one hand, it makes me happy they are safe and having a good time, but on the other hand, I’m heartbroken. To add insult to injury, like many other mums, I suffer from mum guilt. I miss my kids and beat myself up because I feel like I’m failing as their caregiver. “Mummy, why do you have to work?” they cry. “To buy you toys,” I reply — while waving them off to the Science Museum with the childminder. Then I compare and despair. I see other mums waltzing along with their kids as if they’re the Waltons, and I feel like a bad mother.

There’s also the doubt that creeps in when I put them in front of the TV, yet again, and I’m longing to be more present – instead of perpetually finishing up a work project. I’m not doing enough to teach Liberty to read and I am not there for their sports day because I’m on deadline. And when Lola says she feels like she’s “abandoned” her toy cat because the childminder tells her to leave it at home, I feel a searing pang of guilt. Is that how my kids feel about me? It feels so unfair. It’s 2023: so why can men have it all but women still can’t?

And it’s not just because I’m a single mum — even my married friends who have two salaries coming in say they feel just as torn. Skelton has done something brave and wrenching in stepping away from the workplace. It seems to be that she clearly feels the need to be there for her kids. And good for her.

Like Skelton, I know how tough it is being a working mum. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, all the time. That’s why, in my opinion, she’s “not alright about it”. She isn’t rejoicing at her decision but she is prepared to make sacrifices for her kids. That’s what being a parent is all about. It’s just a shame women aren’t able to have it all in the first place.