All I want is advice, not a video at all

James Lileks, Tribune News Service

My phone would not talk to my car. They were miffed with each other because of a software update. “Don’t look at me,” said the car, “I didn’t install some new code.”

“No, I suppose not,” said the phone, “you haven’t gotten a proper firmware update since 2019.” I went online to find a solution, and of course the first 10 options were videos. I clicked on one. There were two short ads for things I do not want, performed by people I do not want to meet. Then we are pitched into the interior of a fellow’s car, which has a lot of rustling junk in the armrest compartment. It was hard to concentrate on the instructions because the narrator had an unnaturally long thumb, as if he was descended from a long line of successful hitchhikers. It took four minutes and 40 seconds to learn the solution: Push this button for 10 seconds.

I do not want any question I ask the internet to be answered with a video. Imagine walking into an unfamiliar grocery store, and asking a stocker where they keep the rice. “Sure!” he says, and produces a portable screen like they used to use for slide shows. He sets it up, wheels out a projector, threads the film into the sprockets. “Before we start, I’d like to tell you about Prezortinil, a new treatment for ingrown nostril hair. Do not take if you are allergic to Prezortinil. Side effects may include honking, rapid hirsute profusions — oh, by the way, you can skip this ad if you want, just poke me here right below my ribcage. OK, now, I get it. Let’s start the movie, then.” A projector shows a grocery-store fellow with a green apron.

“Hello, I’m Bob, from Bob’s Grocery Solutions, and welcome to this quick guide to finding rice in this store. A lot of you are probably frustrated when it comes to finding the rice, but we are here to show you how you can find the rice easily, so you can make rice for your dinner, or lunch. Here’s what you’ll need: at least one eyeball, a means of locomotion, which could be your feet, or a motorized cart, and something you can put the rice into, like a cart, or a bag. Ready? Let’s go!

“The first thing you need to do is find out where you are. It’s going to be located in an aisle with a number. That number is usually located above the aisle, on a board, with the general genres of items listed. Now rice is quite popular, so it’s possible the board will say rice under the number. If it doesn’t, that doesn’t mean the rice isn’t there, but —”

The movie stops and the stocker steps in front of the screen to deliver another ad. “If you’re one of the 19 million people who suffer with innumeracy, you may think that’s less than 12 million people. Studies show that a single dose of — Ow! You can’t skip yet. There’s another five seconds. Studies show that a single dose of — Ow! I said five seconds.”

So you leave and get a drink of water while the ad runs, then return. The movie about the rice location has already resumed, so you ask the clerk to go back. He nods and rewinds the film but goes back too far, so you have to watch the ad again. Then Bob from Bob’s Grocery Solutions returns. “Most often the rice will be in the first five aisles, depending on the size of the grocery store. You often find it near other dried staples, such as pasta and beans. If you walk the entire aisle and don’t find rice, turn left at the end, then turn left again, then proceed down the new aisle, scanning the bottom of the shelf. Make sure you look for words like ‘rice’ or a box that has a picture of rice. We hope this has been helpful for you today! Please like and subscribe.”

At this point you ask the clerk if he could just tell you where the rice is, and he shrugs and says, “Aisle four. Hey, you ever fix your car radio?”

“You’re not involved in that part of the column,” you say, and go off to find the rice. I did fix the car radio, but not with the One Weird Trick from the video. I figured it could be a cord problem, so I used a different video. Voila. But now YouTube thinks I want more diagnostic iPhone videos, and keeps suggesting them. Today it offered a video that purported to show how you could dry out your phone if you dropped it in the toilet, or a lake. It said you could put it in a bowl of rice. Great. Where’ll I find that stuff?