Lindsay Hoyle

Ryan Coogan, The Independent

I’ve just realised that I’m the only person in the office who wears a tie, and I’m furious about it. Up until a few months ago I worked fully remotely from my bedroom in Northern Ireland, which meant my uniform was whatever I went to bed in and a Spider-Man dressing gown. It was a good system, but it couldn’t possibly last. In April, I moved to London so I could start working in the office and feeling like I had a real job — and that involved making a good impression. I bought a couple of new shirts, a nice jacket, a couple of pairs of trousers from the M&S “ultimate chinos” range (they’re ultimate, so you know they must be good) and, crucially, a nice selection of ties. I’ve been wearing them every day for three or four months now, ostensibly to fit in, only for my colleague to point out yesterday that virtually every other man in here wears a nice button-down with an open collar — not a tie in sight.

I’m starting to appreciate the position of House of Commons speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle, who yesterday warned male MPs that they’ll have to smarten up if they want to catch his attention in the chamber: to quote Hoyle, “’I say to the Honourable Gentlemen, wear a tie or you might not catch my eye”.

Yes, the future of our democracy could hinge on whether or not our elected officials are willing to wrap a useless bit of cloth around their neck – and honestly? I think I’m on board.

Sure, I’ve written before about how ties are nothing more than bland status symbols that don’t serve any real purpose beyond creating the sensation that you’re being lightly choked — but maybe that’s a selling point. You know what politicians are like.

And besides, if I’m going to go to all this effort, I don’t see why everybody else shouldn’t as well. I upended my whole life — literally moved to another country — so that I could be in this office. You’re damn right I’m going to dress the part, and other people should too. This is a newspaper, not an indie music zine — get your act together and smarten up.

And I’m not just talking about my office, either. Unless your job requires a specific uniform or degree of dexterity for you to function properly, there’s no excuse for not putting in the effort. Admin? Wear a tie. IT? Wear a tie. It’s not just white-collar jobs either. Plumber? Wear a tie. Sure, it might get a bit wet and slimy, but that’s just the price of doing business. We used to be a real country.

Besides, wearing a tie can be fun! There’s a guy on Instagram, Jonathan Farley, who teaches his followers how to tie all sorts of weird and crazy knots. I’ve made a habit out of trying a new one every week. Sure, nobody appreciates the effort I put into learning the Whipsy Vale or the Gentleman’s Secret. And sure, trying to get it right made me 20 minutes late to work this morning, but anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Maybe it’s a class thing. When I was a kid, I didn’t really know any professionals, so I had a very specific image of them in my mind: white pressed shirt, nice blazer, and (crucially), a tie.

Of course, there’s such a thing as going too far in your enforcement of formal attire. Remember a few years ago when Labour MP Tracy Brabin came under fire for wearing an off-the-shoulder dress in the Commons? Sure, it was sort of an odd look for a sitting MP, and gave her the vibe of a down-on-their-luck lounge singer, but I’m not sure that warranted people calling her, among other things, a “slapper”, or “tart”. Unless they’re wearing a Nazi uniform or the skin of one of your relatives, I feel like you shouldn’t get that worked up about how another person dresses, you know?