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‘Sorry….not’ is a phrase often said by people in a sarcastic tone when they want to emphasise that they are not sorry. These two words are purposely inverted to indicate they are not at all sorry. Did you know that four out of 10 adults between the ages of 20 and 50 do not like to say sorry, even when they’re wrong and the person at the receiving end deserves an apology?

To these 40%, saying sorry is a sign of weakness and a form of admission that they made a mistake. No one likes to have their mistakes pointed out to them, no matter what the situation might be. And saying sorry just means that they’re pointing out their own weaknesses. In fact, the idea of saying sorry is so dreadful to them that there are forums that teach you how to respond to emails demanding an apology. The idea is to never admit any wrongdoing and simply to acknowledge how what you did made the other person feel and to say you were sorry that they were offended. Now note the last 7 words “you were sorry that they were offended” by your words or actions. This clearly lays the blame on the other person for feeling the way they felt, completely disregarding the fact that they felt that way because of something you might have said or done.

Is apologising really that big of a deal? If you think about it, saying sorry about something you did means you acknowledge not just the feelings of the other person but the fact that you realise you made a mistake. The latter gives you a chance to grow and I’m pretty sure that saying sorry is likely to make you feel better too.

But let’s look at the other side too. Maybe that person who needs to apologise may not like the idea of doing so because they are afraid that the recipient may not accept the apology and instead be quite mean or sarcastic about it. They might even rub their noses in it and milk it for what it’s worth. They might be condescending about how they were right and ask if the apologist had learned their lesson? And if they don’t say all that they might just not accept it, to go away and to scream and shout. All of this is likely to put anyone off apologising.

Then there are ways that people apologise that don’t seem like real apologies. Ever see the movie, Face/Off in which Travolta’s Cage character makes a boy apologise to his daughter when he spots them in the car? He has him pinned against the car and tells him to say sorry. When the boy does, Travolta responds by saying, ‘say it like you mean it’. That’s the point you see. Many apologise but you can tell from the tone in their voices, and by their body language, that they don’t mean it at all. It’s almost as if they’ve been forced to apologise because they didn’t think they were wrong. I suppose it’s like bumping into someone on the street or somewhere else and saying sorry as a courtesy, to acknowledge the fact that you weren’t looking where you were going. I’m sure no one is truly sorry when something like that happens because, after all, it wasn’t on purpose and what could have happened to the other person when you did bump into them or brushed past them? Nothing, so the apology is not to acknowledge any kind of hurt you couldn’t have caused them but it would be considered rude not to say sorry. But many people have taken saying sorry in real circumstances to the same level. They’re sorry but not really sorry.

To be honest, the word sorry is used in so many non-apologetic circumstances that it’s lost its true meaning. For, example, you might ring someone and say, ‘sorry to trouble you but…’ or you might say ‘sorry?’ as an alternative to ‘I beg your pardon?’ And the saying, ‘sorry to burst your bubble...’ is the worst kind because it implies that you’re more than happy to tell someone how deluded they are.