What does your sizzling winter coat say about you?

Ellie Muir, The Independent

What do Andrew Lloyd Webber, Drake and a gaggle of roadmen have in common? Well, they all wear Canada Goose coats. At Tuesday’s farmers’ march in London, the multi-millionaire composer surprised onlookers by donning a beige number from the Toronto-originated winter coat brand — better known as the unofficial uniform worn by teenage and twentysomething bad boys. “Andrew Lloyd Webber wearing Canada Goose is sending me,” one amused person posted online.

Aside from Lloyd Webber, the rest of the protesters at the march were decked out in Barbour jackets. And while the brand’s classic wax coat is worn predominantly by rural dwellers, sporting a Barbour also screams that you come from old money and know how to pluck a pheasant. This all got me thinking: what do our coats really say about us?

Since temperatures are dropping below freezing from now until February, your coat is about to become the most important item in your wardrobe. And, whether it’s intentional or not, your outer layer is the message you’re giving out to the rest of the world. If first impressions do actually matter, those who meet you in these frosty months could make cruel judgements about you, just like the Gen Zs who judge millennials for the length of their socks. It’s dangerous territory.

So, is your jacket an indicator of how you voted in the last election? Or do you look like you’re 35 going on five because you’re wearing a duffle coat? And crucially: are you wearing a brand that might draw ridicule from the young? In order to avoid humiliation in the coming months, here’s a breakdown of what your coat really says about you. If you wear the divisive dryrobe — an ankle-length, waterproof dressing gown designed as an outdoor changing robe, with a £160 price tag — then you’ve probably already been mocked for it. Initially, the coat was made to give surfers privacy and warmth while changing outdoors. But recently, it’s been stripped of its original purpose and is worn by middle-class city dwellers on the school run. In my opinion, whatever your class, it looks like you’re wearing a tent. These coats should be left to those who are doing cold water swimming activities, not those roaming around London Fields with a matcha latte in hand.

For some, wearing a waxed Barbour coat is the pinnacle of posh. It’s giving: you own a sizeable amount of land, go skiing twice a year and have a sister named Flossy. Just take a look at Disney+’s Rivals, chronicling the escapades of the Conservative elite in Seventies Britain, and you’ll see the prominence of Barbour jackets among those who spend their weekends shooting clay pigeons. Recently, though, the Barbour’s image has been given a revamp thanks to the Danish cool girl brand Ganni, which has launched a leopard print waxed jacket with a dramatic corduroy collar, in collaboration with Barbour. Not so fusty after all.

Really, the duffle coat should be made only for cute toddlers who have genuine difficulty using those little toggles. But when it’s worn by a fully grown adult, it’s more of a Peter Pan look. It suggests the wearer never wants to grow up. If you wear a Burberry trench coat, then you probably know the art of timeless dressing. But it also suggests you are extremely unprepared. Unless you’re wearing layers of thermals underneath, trench coats are too thin for chilly weather and should be reserved for spring.

Sporting the brand’s circular logo on your bicep has become synonymous with having clout among the young. But, due to the hefty price tag, Canada Goose is also worn by the wealthy. Repping the brand also suggests that you’re not afraid to make a controversial statement. For years, it sourced the fur trim on its hoods from coyotes caught in inhumane trapping clamps, and faced major backlash from animal rights protesters.

Even though Canada Goose started only using reclaimed fur in 2022, the logo still raises eyebrows among animal lovers.

Think of any It-Girl on Instagram, and their 2024 winter coat is likely a smart, floor-length blazer-style jacket. It has dramatic lapels and padded shoulders. As seen on Love Island’s Molly-Mae Hague, these jackets make you look like the ultimate girlboss.

It’s hard to picture a parka without picturing a dishevelled Liam Gallagher inside of one, hands behind his back, belting out Oasis songs and slagging off his brother. The musician has got one in green, orange, blue, and more. But Gallagher connotations aside, there’s one crucial thing that parka wearers are getting wrong – too many people are walking around with unbrushed parka hoods. I’m sorry, but when the fluffy trim starts looking like an unkempt cat with a furball problem, it’s time to get out the hairbrush.

Get the incense on, because the boho chic “Afghan coat” is the attire worn by Y2k-appreciating Gen Zs. Wearing this shows that you’ve got your finger on the retro fashion pulse, or you have an addiction to buying Noughties-style clothes on Vinted. Wearing this might suggest you have a sizeable crystal collection, too.