New Year’s resolution about dumping some friends

 “New year, new you”? For years, I felt I needed to be the one to change, and it’s something I, as a life coach, observe in many others. But what if, in fact, it’s not you — it’s them? What if you’re fine as you are, and it’s the people around you who are holding you back, negatively impacting your outlook, even preventing you from achieving what you’re meant to...? Maybe it’s your exposure to the wrong people that is what needs to change. Have you ever thought about that?

Let’s think, in broad terms, about how what we expose ourselves to what impacts us. If you immerse yourself in the worst news out there or spend hours doomscrolling on social media, how does it affect you? Do you feel sad that the world is going to hell and there’s nothing you can do about it? Does it play on your mind even when you’re not reading it? For most people, the answer is yes.

And now let’s apply this to friendships and our friendship circles, and, let’s be honest, how flipping hard these can be. As an adult, I find friendships difficult. Whether it’s because I feel a responsibility to my circle and I want to do my best to make sure I’m a good friend, whether I’m juggling all the things and terrified of dropping something, or whether I feel a lot of empathy towards those I care about, I don’t know.

But what I do know is the quality of my friendships matters to me.

Previously, when I have put my time, energy and worry into the wrong people, I’ve been horribly stung. The differing world views, their miserable outlook on life, their negativity, it all had a massive impact on me and my outlook, and I felt the pessimist in me coming to the fore — all the time. When things eventually fell apart (which, looking back, was a huge blessing), I had the distance to see what had been going on and how that had impacted me in so many ways. In my experience, the wrong people in my circle made me second guess myself. It made me check what I was going to say. It seriously knocked my confidence. It made me stay small and not rock the boat. And it made me feel quite miserable.

And yet, I did nothing. If I’d weeded my circle earlier — if I’d removed myself — I would have gained so much.

I’d have been able to grow more personally and professionally, rather than being worried about sharing anything I’d done. I’d have been able to be a better friend to those who shared my values. My outlook would have improved and I’d have felt happier. It would have been so much better.

Now I don’t enter into friendships or friendship groups without consideration. I don’t have the mental capacity to have to be on my “best behaviour” all the time. I don’t want to have my guard up. I want people who have a zest for life and want to achieve big things, and I want to talk about these things and be excited for them. I want to celebrate the wins and be there for the lows. And you know what? I want a group that reciprocates this, too.

I’m not perfect. I’m not suggesting I have never said or done the wrong thing, but I do know that the people I want around me, in my circle, will accept me for who I am and genuinely want me to succeed as I do for them. And why shouldn’t this just be the standard in what we expect from friendships? The good news is, we all have the power to make this the case for us. We can choose to — politely — put some distance between ourselves and those who drain our joy. Who don’t get us.

We don’t have to wait for the big fall-out, we can make positive steps to improve the quality of the people in our circle. We can do that today. Just think of what you and your circle could achieve in 2025... if everyone was supportive, on the same page, and shared the same core values? You’d be unstoppable.