I don’t care if it’s ‘weird’ — I love drinking milk

Milk haters: they’re everywhere. Oh, they’ll happily sip it in tea or glug it in a protein shake. They won’t bat an eyelid at pouring it over a bowl of cereal or ordering a ridiculously large latte that, as the name suggests, is more pint of warm milk than actual coffee. But admit that you really enjoy drinking a glass of the white stuff by itself, and it’s as if you’ve owned up to still sharing baths with a sibling or having to say goodnight to all 36 of your Squishmallows individually before going to sleep each night.

As a milk superfan myself, I’ve long been used to others’ judgement and jeering. I’ve heard naysayers call it “weird”, “creepy” and say it gives them the “ick”. Even before cow’s milk took a beating in the alternative milk wars — with contenders like almond and oat stepping up to steal dairy’s crown as the default choice — people were incredibly derisive about a grown adult kicking back with a recreational glass. I’ve always been able to defend my ardour by citing the old calcium argument — every time I indulge, I’m simply strengthening my teeth and bones. Turn your nose up if you must; I’m the one who’ll be laughing in my eighties when the rest of you have osteoporosis. Now, there’s an even more compelling health argument, after a new UK study found that drinking a large glass of milk a day, equating to an extra 300ml of calcium, lowers the risk of bowel cancer by 17 per cent.

The research, conducted by Oxford University and Cancer Research UK, analysed the diets of more than 500,000 women aged 16 and over. “It highlights the potential protective role of dairy, largely due to calcium, in the development of bowel cancer,” said lead researcher Dr Keren Papier, from Oxford. Take that, scoffers! But how did we wind up here — forced to hold up a peer-reviewed scientific paper merely in order to justify a completely normal and healthy habit? Both my milk obsession and others’ disdain could have their earliest origins in the free school milk initiative. Despite Maggie “milk snatcher” Thatcher’s best efforts, the policy of free or subsidised milk in primary schools was continued into the New Labour years and, for this child of the Nineties, that mid-morning carton was the highlight of my day. I can still remember the anticipation as we waited on the coarse carpet; the satisfying slide of the mini straw; that first mouth-watering hit of rich, ice-cold creaminess. Mmm.

But for the same reason that I feel a ripple of nostalgia every time I take a gulp, many can’t help but link the act of consuming milk as a stand-alone tipple directly to childhood. Milk became branded as something infantile — the preserve of kids — an impression that was further bolstered by US TV shows in which saccharine children would be served milk and cookies before bed. Despite being a staple of nearly every fridge up and down the country (the cost of a pint is still invariably brought up to test whether British politicians are completely detached from the real world), the dairy drink remains associated with a kind of arrested development in popular culture. In recently released erotic thriller Babygirl, one of intern Harris Dickinson’s power plays is to send over Nicole Kidman’s CEO a glass of milk at a bar and make her drink it. His choice of beverage signals that she’s submissive while he’s the real grown-up, the one in control.

Then there’s cult sitcom The IT Crowd, in which the character of Moss, a neurodivergent kidult who still lives at home with his mum, memorably orders a glass of milk at a secret members club for winners of Countdown. The implication is clear — he’s a child in man’s clothing with the unsophisticated order to prove it. British comedy may also go some way to explaining why, for people of a certain age, milk equals a major turn-off. We need look no further than Noughties show Little Britain when detecting where the “ick” factor stems from — the infamous “Bitty” sketches, in which a grown man is enthusiastically breastfed by his mother, were enough to make the very notion of drinking milk an act of gross subversion.

We milk stans aren’t in particularly good company in the modern era, either; in a stark departure from the infancy connotations, milk has been co-opted by the hyper-masculine alt-right in America (creating another ick entirely). Around 2018, white supremacists began chugging the stuff to show how strong they were in comparison to the woke, lefty, liberal “soy boys” characterised by their preference for plant-based milk. Last year, raw, unpasteurised milk began to gain traction as the ultimate Republican accessory — Robert F Kennedy Jr, for example, has said he only drinks raw milk, and Maga conservatives have been right behind him.

None of this is making milk look good, I’ll admit it. But we still have one ace in play, one representative whose cool factor never diminishes no matter what’s happening in the wider cultural landscape. In the Coen brothers’ classic 1998 movie The Big Lebowski, loveable slacker “The Dude” (played impeccably by Jeff Bridges) will forever be synonymous with his gangster signature milk-based cocktail: a White Russian. He downs a total of nine during the course of the two-hour film; upon its release, the drink saw a huge surge in popularity. If you don’t believe me, may I present exhibit A: the Lebowski Bar in Reykjavik, Iceland, where fans of the film can select from a menu of 23 different types of White Russian (including a Pink Russian, Tropical Russian, and Special Lady Friend).